i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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