got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
