I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize