There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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