Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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