3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Randomize
