Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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