At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Randomize
