What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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