my being single is dangerous.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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