We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
