I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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