I wish I could punch you in the face.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
