she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
