it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize