i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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