Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
