My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Randomize