This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize