Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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