dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
you will always have a special place in my vag
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
