he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
