That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
