the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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