If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Randomize
