Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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