one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
