I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
