I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
All the doctor said was why
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize