i dedicated my morning wood to you.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
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