I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
