I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
