i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
