How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
