All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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