how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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