you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
