I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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