a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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