Cold hands, warm shart.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
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