Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize