I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
