guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
