I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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