just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
