My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
worst night to have a conscience
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
