I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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