i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
