Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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