Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
