There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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