Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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