ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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