I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Randomize
