Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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