I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize