True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
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