Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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