please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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