My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
