How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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