Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I have already put on my inside pants.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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