News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
