I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Randomize
