a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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