You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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