So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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