I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
