Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
